“It ain’t no lie, baby, Bye Bye Bye.”
If your man fits any one of these, then get your a*s out — like, right now. I mean drop everything but the book. Hold onto the book because you’re going to need that, but if you’re holding a skillet, drop that (preferably on his head). If you’re on the toilet, stop mid-stream and get out of the house. If you’re having s*x, get your a*s off of that triflin’ Negro, redneck, machismo Latino, Armenian motherfella you’re living with, married to, or dating. Just get out, girl! Run.
If he’s in your house, pack up his sh*t and serenade him with the lyrics of Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable.” She was nice enough to put his crap in a box; I’d just throw it on the curb, but that’s me.
1. You’re at a cocktail party with a date or your boyfriend, and he asks you to go fetch him a drink…
… so he can continue his conversation with another woman.
2. Your husband doesn’t want you to attend your Grandmother’s funeral because you don’t have a babysitter for your kids.
It’s your Grandma. She’s only going to die once. And they’re his kids, too.
3. He asks to borrow money early on in the relationship.
Don’t lend or give money to any man who isn’t a blood relative and over the age of 16.
4. When you go to pick up your engagement ring, his credit card gets turned down.
He looks to you to pay for the balance, promising he’ll pay you back. Do you really want to buy your own engagement ring? If you do, you’re really just proposing to yourself.
The diamond industry has already marketed right hand rings for single girls. You can go get one of those without his dumb a*s. Please know that if you marry him, moments after you endure 27 hours of hard labor delivering his child, and the hospital asks who will be taking care of the bill, he’ll hand it over to you. So. get ready to write a check during your episiotomy.
5. He reveals that he has a non-curable sexually transmitted disease … after you’ve already had s*x.
Or you finally have s*x with a guy after being abstinent for a year. Soon afterward, you break out in blisters down there. When you try to confront the assh*le, he doesn’t return your calls.
6. He gets a 2 AM booty call — from a guy.
7. After you’ve slept together and hung out for several months, you find out he has a girlfriend.
He tells you that his having a girlfriend is no one’s business. Well, it’s your business when you catch an STD from that fool and his girlfriend. It’s your business because he’s now unwittingly made you the other woman.
8. He’s your boyfriend, but also your sister’s husband.
Both of you are really at fault here.
9. You have cancer and are staying in a cancer treatment center that’s just for patients, but your man has gotten the both of you evicted.
So, he moves into the treatment center with you because he’s basically homeless, but you aren’t because you have cancer.
The center gets wind of your man’s scam. You both get kicked out. So now the two of you are homeless, and guess what? You still have cancer. At this point, I’m not sure what’s worse: the malignant tumor eating away at your major organs or the triflin’ assh*le boyfriend/husband you’ve invited into your life.
10. You’re on your honeymoon and your husband keeps getting calls from another woman.
He actually takes the calls. And the woman isn’t his mother, sister or aunt calling with a life-threatening emergency. She’s a “friend” who needs him right now.
11. It’s always about him.
Everything is always about him. If you’ve gotten fired, lost a limb or your mother died, your boyfriend/husband/boo thing somehow makes the tragic event about him. Or, whatever he’s going through eclipses your tragedy, so you end up taking care of him.
This is a man with a character disorder called narcissism. Yes, he may be charismatic, charming and was interested in you when you first met him, but now, when you don’t pay enough attention to him or things don’t go his way, he’s prone to rages. He never admits to wrongdoing. His disease is incurable.
If you’re with this kind of man, my advice is to hit the ejection button from this relationship immediately, if not sooner.
Seriously, get your parachute ready and jump out of the plane like a fighter pilot who’s about to be gunned down by the enemy, because staying with this particular kind of jerk will just be a prolonged war that can never be won.
If your man exhibits any of this behavior, do NOT pass go for a second date or even couples counseling. The only possible excuse for this kind of behavior is that the man is brain-injured, and by dating him you’re fulfilling some sort of charity/community service work.
Unless a brain injury is involved, your man just told you or showed you who he is and that’s not changing because we cannot change men. They’re usually on their best behavior while dating, so this is as good as it gets with this guy. Make sure you bring cab money, girl. But believe that there are better guys out there, too.